For related entries, please read Fresh Off the Boat – Season I, Fresh Off the Boat – Season II, Fresh Off the Boat – Season II in Jessica Huang’s Words (Mostly), Fresh Off The Boat – Season III A (In the words of the Huangs) and Fresh Off the Boat – Season IV (In the Words of the Huangs and Friends).

 

Here are some of the memorable quotes from Fresh Off the Boat – Season 3 (from episodes 11 to 23):

 

Episode 11

Evan: You know Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Louis: Is that one person or three people?

Evan: One but with the talent of three.

 

“I hope you don’t run into any balloons on our way home because we are gonna look sharp.” – Louis Huang (Randall Park) to Evan before getting their haircut

“I’m gonna marry Jewel. (Looking at Emery) Stay away from Jewel!” – Evan Huang (Ian Cheng)

“A loose canon downs more ships.” – Jessica Huang (Constance Wu), after being called a loose canon

“I was teaching him about America through humor.” – Eddie Huang (Hudson Yang), on letting his cousin read an old MAD magazine

“His shorts almost touches his nipples.” – Eddie Huang answers whether or not his cousin is cool

“Do you know how hard it is to find good barber? It’s like dating but for hair!” – Louis Huang

“So you want me to be your kindness sherpa, your karma spirit guide, your bodyguard…” – Emery Huang (Forrest Wheeler) to Jessica

“He calls me Jessie, you know, like a German shepherd.” – Jessica Huang

“I’ve witnessed the softening of the hardest of hearts by a simple smile. Goldie Hawn said that.” – Emery Huang

 

Episode 12

“It’s her spiritual sanctuary.” – Evan Huang about the pantry

“Oh, the fancy napkins! Did someone die?” – Louis Huang

“Connie never went to college unless you count beauty school, which nobody does.” – Jessica Huang

“I’m eating bugs, and I don’t care!” – Evan Huang, being driven around by Marvin in the latter’s convertible.

“Isn’t it great? It’s like an all-inclusive land cruise for the rest of our lives.” – Marvin Ellis’ (Ray Wise) description of old folks’ home.

“Whoa, limousine! Hi!” – Evan Huang, referring to a hearse

“Dinner’s at 4! I love this place!” – Eddie Huang

“I am counting the water heater closet as a half-bath.” – Jessica Huang, in selling a house with 2 ½ baths.

“Art school? Two nonsense words that don’t even belong together like higher limit.” – Jessica Huang

“I loved to paint, too, long before your hot dogs and girl with pearl earrings.” – Jessica Huang

“You’re running barefoot, like a bum on the run.” – Evan Huang to Honey

“Here. It’s an ice pack for your hip. I used it on my cheeks earlier.” – Emery Huang to Honey

 

Episode 13

Jessica: Can you believe it’s almost Valentine’s already.

Louis: Remember last Valentine’s Day, we spent it getting down and dirty on the kitchen table.

Jessica: I can’t wait to do that again this year.

Louis: Doing our taxes is the best way to spend the holiday.

Jessica: Say “loophole”

Louis: Loophole

 

“That sounds interesting though. Watching your neighbors, sounds very Jessica. That’s very Jessica.” – Jessica Huang on the thought of a neighborhood watch

“Oh, grandma, dear sweet grandma, you have no idea what hell you have unlocked.” – Emery Huang

“I can’t go to high school a kissing virgin.” – Eddie Huang

“I don’t understand women with unpainted toenails.” – Evan Huang

“You got a child kidnapped? That is the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for me.” – Jessica Huang to Louis

 

Episode 14

“Okay, I just want to reconfirm your yard sale requests: Grandma, anything with Garfield on it, Eddie, used gold grill, Emery, old silk ties, and Evan, horse stickers. Unicorns, okay, too?” – Jessica Huang

“As long as it has four hooves and a beautiful face, I want it.” – Evan Huang

“Between all your digging for clothes and those fake clangers on your chest, your back must be killing you.” – Sarah to Honey

“I’m glad she’s going to the bathroom because her mouth belongs in the toilet.” – Evan Huang

“August 16^th. That was the date I ate steak for the first time in my life.” – Grandma Jenny Huang (Lucille Soong) and her made up birthdate.

 

Episode 15

“My morning papaya is my one moment of joy, the things that gets me ready for the day, and someone ate my papaya.” – Jessica Huang

“Chinese people respect their dishware, that’s why they’re called china.” – Jessica Huang

“Oh, it has a setting for crystals. What a gentle beast.” – Evan Huang marveling at the beauty of dishwasher.

“It took you three days to come up with “On-Gun”?” – Louis Huang

“Eddie, there is something called a white lie, and that is the lie that protects you from all the things that make white people soft.” – Jessica Huang

 

Episode 16

“And, Honey, I love how you added an “S” at the end of words already on the board. So clever!” – Louis Huang, after playing Scrabble.

“I let you all do the work, and then, BAM! I hit you with an “S”.” – Honey Ellis (Chelsey Crisp)

“My girl almost went to college!” – Marvin Ellis, after Honey guesses Tess of the d’Urbervilles in charades

“Why is there no one my age on “The Real World”?” – Grandma Jenny Huang

“I have friends of all ethnicities except one. Which one? Put me on the show and find out.” – Grandma Jenny Huang on her audition tape for MTV’s The Real World.

“You really flattered yourself with those abs.” – Evan Huang to Eddie, after seeing Eddie’s tribute to Tupac tattoo sketch.

“Tupac has a six-pack? I’ll never understand rap.” – Evan Huang

“No way! It’s a white people game with white people questions. All the answers are Winston Churchill or the Red Sox.” – Jessica Huang on Trivial Pursuit.

“Remember that the pink wedge is behind the credenza.” – Louis Huang

“I am telling you Gabby Goose.” – Jessica Huang

“Stand aside. I didn’t think it would get to this point, but here we are. Look at me, Eddie! I’m wearing the French cut shorts you love to make fun of! Comment on how much of my legs you can see!” – Evan Huang, wearing the shortest pair of shorts I have seen on a boy, and he pulled it off.

“A great smile makes you stand taller.” – Marvin Ellis

“I told them that you cut your own fruit. By yourself. No man does that.” – Jessica Huang compliments Louis

“If anything we lift each other up. Like your insoles.” – Jessica Huang

 

Episode 17

“Salesmen pay for their kids’ college with lies.” – Jessica Huang

“I love organizing road trips. They are the ultimate test of efficiency and cunning.” – Jessica Huang

“I’ll stay here (recliner) like Helen of Troy, waiting for you to return with my spoils.” – Grandma Jenny Huang

“We’re Chinese. The boys have been over fireworks since they were five.” – Louis Huang

“Did Eddie OD?” – Eddie’s small friend, after Eddie had two sips of beer.

“The Asian Flush.” – Louis Huang, when he and Eddie turn red after a couple sips of beer.

“Really, Maryland? You rain for three straight months, and tonight not even a breeze?” – Louis Huang

“Don’t start asking questions, or it all falls apart.” – Louis Huang while watching Police Academy

 

Episode 18

“When I was younger, I had to soften my cereal with rainwater.” – Jessica Huang

“Oh, those books about the hairy-footed children who cannot keep track of their jewelry.” – Jessica Huang on Lord of the Rings books.

“You know who else thought he was safe in sandals? Your buddy Jesus. Change them up.” – Jessica Huang

“I am a machine with a heart, a heart that pumps efficiency.” – Jessica Huang

“Oh, no. No way, Jessica would allow that. It has “pay” in the title.” – Louis Huang, when Mitch asks him if he watches pay-per-view shows.

“Please don’t cough on my bras.” – Grandma Jenny Huang

“Resiliency. That’s my fragrance.” – Jessica Huang describing White Flower oil.

“For science.” – Huang boys, on watching Battle of Swamp Creatures, a pay-per-view match

“Dirty up this Shirley. There’s gin under the sink.” – Grandma Jenny Huang

“Everything is more fun to watch when an allowance is on the line.” – Marvin Ellis betting $50 against Evan.

“She left the humidifier on. She wanted to trick us so bad, she was willing to waste electricity.” – Louis Huang

“You’ll love it. It’s like the sweatier, more violent version of Melrose Place.” – Honey Ellis talking about Battle of the Swamp Creatures

“Because I write like I play basketball, hard and a little out of control.” – Eddie Huang on why he presses the pencil so hard on paper.

“Pay-per-view? That sounds like you have to pay to view it. We don’t pay to watch tv in this house.” – Jessica Huang

 

Episode 19

“Move it, molasses.” – Hector shouts at Grandma Jenny as she crosses the street in her wheelchair looking like a boss.

“I use all my hairnets still.” – Louis Huang at the mention of yard sale

“Mountain Dew tastes better coming out of a white man’s head.” – Grandma Jenny Huang talking about Laetnerr’s cup in her McDonald’s Dream Team collection

“All the English she knows are from Garfield comics.” – Louis Huang talks about his mother

“(Looking at comics) Hold that thought, Garfield. Louis wants attention. (Looks at Louis) What?” – Grandma Jenny Huang

“See you later. I’m going to throw some mahjong tiles around.” – Grandma Jenny Huang

“We need to nip this in the bud before you become a hoarder, and then I cannot even visit you because your door is blocked by newspaper piles and margarine jars.” – Jessica Huang to Emery

“You guys had to worry about the restaurant, and Eddie, and your hair adjusting to the humidity.” – Emery Huang

 

Episode 20

“He drove his son hard, and now Tiger is a champion. That is good parenting.” – Jessica Huang on Earl Woods.

“Fun? This isn’t a cartoon. We’re not mermaids and reggae crabs singing at the bottom of the sea.” – Jessica Huang

“Eva, this is your golf instructor, Phil. His name is actually Philip, but white people love to shorten their names.” – Jessica Huang

“Evan, this is your new instructor, Ted. I chose him because his name can’t be shortened.” – Jessica Huang

“He’s gonna teach you the basics, and then mommy is gonna be here to push him to push you.” – Jessica Huang

“I’m sorry, mommy. The clothes are for me, but golf isn’t.” – Evan Huang

“I nicknamed Evan ‘The Little Kitchen’ because he always sinks it.” – Louis Huang

 

Episode 21

“Watch your mommy turn your father’s three year old socks into cold hard cash.” – Jessica Huang

“Mom’s the queen of returns. Watch the maestro at work.” – Evan Huang

“Private school kids! What are they doing here? They’re gonna get jumped!” – Evan Huang

“It’s kinda like a sports team, but instead of balls, they throw formal arguments at each other. “ – Evan Huang’s friend’s definition of debate team

“Is he? He is! Garfield is wearing a Rolex!” – Eddie Huang

“You know I’d love a sibling team up. It’d be like my favorite tv show, Sister Sister, except brothers.” – Emery Huang

“One more tip, when debating with a real person, use their own words against them. It traps them in a prison of their own design.” – Jessica Huang

“Evan is reading an actual book, you are reading a finished coloring book.” – Jessica Huang on comic books.

“We’ll just take the usual, one slice of key lime pie and five spoons.” Jessica Huang on desserts.

“Pie is superior because it is filled with nutritious fruit. It is the healthiest dessert. In fact, pie is so good dessert couldn’t contain it. It burst out into chicken pot, minced meat. It is the food of shepherds, mathematicians, pie, infinite possibilities.” – Jessica Huang

“But cake is good. Here are the reasons why. Cake represents joy, birthdays, graduations, retirements. No one has ever heard of a wedding pie. Every important milestone in your life, cake was there. Cake watched you grow up, and sure, some may say pie burst out, but I say, pie is confused. It doesn’t know what it wants to be. Is it savory? Is it sweet? Shepherd pie has lamb in it, Do they seem good shepherds to you? So really, when you think about it, pie is murder. If you choose life, choose cake.” – Evan Huang

“Let us eat cake!” – Evan Huang.

I learned from the best. Now, I’m the best.” – Evan Huang

“Watch the queen conquer.” – Jessica Huang

“He’s better than me at arguing. It’s his kingdom now. The queen is dead. Long live the prince.” – Jessica Huang

“Who cares if he’s my baby? I need to be ruthless!” – Jessica Huang

“You need to make things right with your brother. This won’t be the first or the last time you need each other.” – Grandma Jenny Huang to Eddie

“Is that why you got into debate? To lie down? You should work in a mattress store.” – Jessica Huang

“Think about the brilliant young prodigies throughout history, Mozart, Joan of Arc, Doogie Howser. What if someone told them that they were too young to practice their extraordinary gift?” – Jessica Huang

“Oh, by the golden hammer of Thor!” – Stan Lee upon seeing the comic “The Adventures of Persuader and Blazer Boy by Eddie and Emery.

 

Episode 22

“That fancy gated community? Damn, woman!” – Louis Huang

“We should celebrate. Turn on the AC.” – Jessica Huang

“Move! Move! Put her in the pantry!” – Louis Huang tries to hide Grandma Jenny from the landlord.

“You’ll never sell me on the electric chair. That power bill must be so high.” – Jessica Huang

“I like your debate team blazer. The gold button whispers power instead of shoving it.” – Evan Huang

“They have uniforms, an amazing debate team, a science lab that is an actual lab. They even line up for the water fountain unlike the savages at my school.” – Evan Huang talking about a private school

“Did you just learn the word echelon?” – Jessica Huang to Evan

“Private school is a waste of money. It’s for parents who outsource discipline.” – Jessica Huang

“I don’t need to pay people to push you guys to succeed. I already do that myself. The Menendez brothers went to private school, and look what happened to them.” – Jessica Huang

“I know private school is expensive, but you’ll only need to send me. The others don’t need to know.” – Evan Huang

“These are life plans. I made one for each member of the family, and I update them every five years. I’ve mapped out all the classes and experiences you boys need to be successful and lead good lives. Emery’s good at so many things, so I left his career plan open, and I ( ) at his personal life (the life plan says “Marry Michelle Kwan or equivalent). Eddie’s plan was easy because the goal was simple (life plan says not in jail), and here is your plan. I’ve thought of everything (life plans says overthrows president bloodless and doctor-president).” – Jessica Huang to Even

“I use the garage as cartwheel zone when I want to express joy in private.” – Evan Huang

“You have five minutes to convince me why private school is better for my son than public school.” – Jessica Huang, to which the headmaster of the private school replies, “I only need four.”

“Oh, my God! Michael Bolton!” – Louis Huang

“I’ve got a proposal for you. Do you know how many women would kill to hear me say that?” – Michael Bolton to Louis

“I’ll pay for everything but PE, Evan can just learn tennis from his brother. Okay fine, I’ll pay for PE but no English, he gets that free from life.” – Jessica Huang

“We don’t offer private school a la carte.” – Headmaster Royce

“So, I have to earn the privilege to pay your ridiculous tuition? If my son does not go into Harvard, I want a full refund!” – Jessica Huang

“In this family, we don’t hide mistakes. We look at them, feel shame, and never talk about them again.” – Jessica Huang

“You wanna to own your own home. I want Evan in private school. Michael Bolton will get us both.” – Jessica Huang

 

Episode 23

“I can’t wait to introduce you to my khakis.” – Evan Huang talks to his private school blazer

“It wastes electricity. If you need to communicate, yell! Better, pass notes under the door, like they do in prison. Cheap and quiet.” – Jessica Huang banning the use of intercom.

“Poverty moves in silence.” – Jessica Huang

“You made me sacrifice my spot in school for Wisconsin?” – Evan Huang

“Oh, my God! My worst nightmare has come true. We’re homeless!” – Jessica Huang