Season 3 of ABC’s Fresh Off the Boat shows the Huang family finally reaping the fruits of their labor in Orlando, Florida. Louis Huang (Randall Park) bags the Best Small Entrepreneur Award and Jessica Huang (Constance Wu) successfully juggles family and real estate work. Their boys are all grown up, noticeably Emery (Forrest Wheeler), who crosses over from elementary school to middle school. Evan (Ian Cheng) remains the mini-version of Jessica, and though Eddie’s rap numbers continue to be time wasters for me, I have grown to like his character.

For related entries, please read Fresh Off the Boat – Season I, Fresh Off the Boat – Season II, Fresh Off the Boat – Season II in Jessica Huang’s Words (Mostly) and Fresh Off The Boat – Season III B (In the words of the Huangs).

 

Here are some of the memorable quotes from Fresh Off the Boat – Season 3 (from episodes 1 to 10):

 

Episode 1

“Thanks, but what I find most important is inner beauty.” – Emery Huang (Forrest Wheeler) after being called “so handsome” by his little auntie.

“I have no summer break, I have year-round school.” – young cousin Hennessy Huang

“It’s like they read my wish journal.” – Evan Huang (Ian Cheng)

“You spent so much. So much.” – Gene Huang (Ken Jeong)

“Give up the dance, Gene. The song is over.” – Jessica Huang (Constance Wu)

“Ohhh. Her wages are God’s love.” – Louis Huang (Randall Park), upon learning that Gene’s soon-to-be-wife is working at the temple.

“Can you tell the bear that I need more mischief?” – director of the commercial

“No. No. No! You love him?” – Louis Huang upon meeting Margaret

“You know what? I’ll be okay if you were lost here, Evan. There are no pedophiles in Taiwan. People are too busy getting things done to have time for any hobbies.” – Jessica Huang

“According to my pamphlets, it’s prime-biting hour. And according to Emery’s face.” – Evan Huang

“Stop being soft American eggs, and start being thousand-year old Taiwanese eggs.” – Jessica Huang

“Dad? Are we poor?” – Evan Huang, after seeing uncle Gene’s apartment.

“American middle class is like Taiwan rich.” – Louis Huang

“Wishing you a lifetime of only misery, you ass pimple.” – Louis Huang’s message for Gene on the paper lantern.

“I’ve even quit using all my hair products, but they just can’t stop giving me kisses.” – Emery Huang on his mosquito bites

“Do you take traveller’s check?” – Evan Huang to the seller of Hello Kitty pencil case

“Do you want these basketball heels?” – Jessica Huang asks Eddie Huang

“You bought the bad fakes instead of the good fakes. Never buy in store, always go to second location for quality. Your negotiating muscle has atrophied.” – Big Auntie to Jessica Huang

“Oh my God, we are ghosts. We are Patrick Swayze in Ghost.” – Louis Huang

“I’m an American citizen. Please take me to my embassy.” – Evan Huang after Hennessy was slapped by his Math teacher.

“Come back, outer beauty!” – Emery Huang

 

Episode 2

“I root for the best. That’s my homeland.” – Jessica Huang

“Carl Lewis made a pass at me when he visited Taipei.” – Grandma Jenny Huang (Lucille Soong)

“I broke a vase trying to reach the Fruit Roll-Ups. Maybe don’t tell her that right now though.” – Grandma Jenny Huang

“It looks like a gay raindrop.” – Eddie Huang friend on Izzy the mascot

“Imagination’s free, man. It doesn’t cost you anything to make me feel good.” – Eddie Huang’s small friend.

“They will be bandage on the wound that will never heal.” – Evan Huang, talking about meeting new friends to replace Emery as his bus seatmate

“I would like some help…getting the knife out of my back. How dare you?” – Jessica Huang, upon learning that Louis hired a cleaner

“If my husband got me a cleaning lady, I’d throw myself in the river.” – Grandma Jenny Huang

“They are covered in the fog of resiliency.” – Jessica Huang, talking about her dusty mice

“He left elementary school a joyful boy. One day with you Eddie, one day, he couldn’t even lift his head long enough to say thank you to the maid.” – Evan Huang

 

 

Episode 3

“I want to go trick and treatin’ before my curls lose their bounce.” – Louis Huang

“Halloween’s not for me. It’s not special like Christmas or when a new Denzel movie comes out.” – Jessica Huang

“I’m gonna get girls for the rest of my life. I’m only gonna get free candy for another couple of years.” – Eddie Huang (Hudson Yang), on trick or treating over girls.

“We’re gonna get candy for the rest of our lives. We only get to go to a high school party as middle schoolers tonight.” – Eddie Huang, after being invited by Nicole

“Buckle up, gentlemen. From now on, it’s nothing but brassieres.” – Eddie Huang’s small friend, after being invited to a high school party.

“I heard that Stephen King writes 10 pages a day, so I will write 20.” – Jessica Huang on her novel, “A Case of the Knife to the Brain”.

“I’ve got a salad spinner up there.” – Honey Ellis (Chelsey Crisp), on her gravity-defying hair

“I just want one Halloween where I can feel the earth beneath my feet.” – Evan Huang on why he does not want to be Emery’s sidekick.

“Stephen invokes real fear. He unlocks the monster within. This isn’t scary. This is amateur hour.” Jessica Huang on why she loves Stephen King but dislikes Halloween.

“A real head wouldn’t have severed that cleanly.” – Jesica Huang, on why she was not afraid of the fake head in the oven.

“I need a name for a sexually-promiscuous fingerprint analyst.” – Jessica Huang as she rifles through a book with baby names. Louis answers, “Amber”.

“Did you get her parents’ permission? If not, that’s a felony, child abduction.” – Jessica Huang

“Are there any pieces stuck in the grill? Hair, clothes, skin, shoes stuck in the wheel well. We gotta make sure the car is clean. Strip down. I will burn your clothes and the carport while you shower. Impact blood travels, so you gotta scrub your belly button, armpits, leg pits, inside your eyelids. Everywhere. Keys! I need your keys. I’ll run the car into a tree to cover up any dents this kid may have caused. Better, I’ll slam the breaks and that the car behind will bump me into its sub. We don’t have a nock into our insurance. Next hurricane, I’ll chop down the tree in case any flesh transferred to the bark. We never speak of this again. I love you.” – Jessica Huang as the perfect partner in crime.

“Reading? No. I don’t consume. I create.” – Jessica Huang on writing over reading.

“He could have come home addicted to drugs or pregnant.” – Jessica Huang

“Okay. I’ll read the first chapter. It’s 60 pages long, but I don’t see any cuts.” – Jessica Huang

 

Episode 4

“Why are we talking about things that no one cares about. Tupac is dead.” – Eddie Huang

“Look at this paint job. It is like a blue car drove through a gold waterfall, and the wind just started to blow the gold away.” – Jessica Huang, referring to Hector’s car

“But there’s a thin line between love and hate. Don’t get your disagreement turn into a rap war.” – Grandma Jenny Huang

“We are even now. Please don’t embarrass me by thanking me, and I won’t embarrass you by apologizing.” – Jessica Huang to Hector

“I want to be able to vote and join “Wheel of Fortune” someday.” – Jessica Huang

 

Episode 5

“You can’t stop Thanksgiving. It’s too strong. That’s like trying to stop Fabulous Barbara (of Roller Derby).” – Louis Huang

“We are working on Thanksgiving.” – Jessica Huang

“Thanksgiving is built on gamblers and hungry people. This (raffling off fresh turkey) excites both.” – Jessica Huang

“He has four pairs of sneakers? Who is he? Imelda Marcos?” – Jessica Huang

“Maybe you can kill it from the inside by crushing its dreams with your unsupportive words.” – Louis Huang, telling Jessica how to kill a turkey

“I wish Garfield were real. With him, my life would be exciting.” – Grandma Jenny Huang

 

Episode 6 

WWJD – What would Jessica do?

“I feel so calm here (Costco).” – Jessica Huang

“Ah, it’s like living with a lighthouse.” – Jessica Huang describing Louis’ super white teeth.

“Church. Why would he gonna go there instead of Costco with me?” – Jessica Huang

“Zero sugar? How does this qualify as cereal?” – Eddie Huang

“What conversation does he need to be having with God that he can’t have with his own mother?” – Jessica Huang questioning why Evan attends mass.

“The only thing I know about Christianity is the sad story of Mary’s son leaving her.” – Jessica Huang

“If you hear the voice of God, it’s just mom.” – Evan Huang

“And if you see a blinding white light…it’s your father.” – Grandma Jenny Huang

“Church is Evan’s Costco!” – Jessica Huang

“If I weigh less, we get Pop Tarts. If I weigh more, we never speak of it again.” – Jessica Huang

 

Episode 7

“A group of penguins is called a “waddle””. – Grandma Jenny Huang

“Smells like sadness.” – Jessica Huang on jury duty

“We’ll be the best moms since mom.” – Evan Huang to Emery talking about their Tamagochi named Jerry

“Do you know what’s poetry? Michael Jordan teaming up with Bugs Bunny to save the universe.” – Eddie Huang

“If I’m going to be stuck in a jury, I want to be in-charge.” – Jessica Huang

“Geese honk; gentlemen go to the door.” – Louis Huang to Eddie, on proper date etiquette

“Now that I’m single, I don’t have to watch my figure.” – Eddie Huang

“No parents should outlive their Tamagochi.” – Evan Huang

 

Episode 8

Jessica: All Christmas movies are great just like all Denzel movies.

Evan: Mom, what if Denzel did a Christmas movie?

Jessica: It’s like you can see into my soul

 

“It’s so special to give a gift that makes our children happy at a price that makes me happy.” – Jessica Huang

“Hugs are for mommies who remember their babies.” – Evan Huang

“You don’t dream in Mandarin, do you?” – Grandma Jenny Huang as Ghost of Christmas Future

“Don’t cry with your eyes, cry with your legs.” – Reynaldo

 

Episode 9

“You’re like an immigrant caterpillar, and now you’ll be an American butterfly.” – Louis Huang

“I know you’ve said “no” five times already, but I’m gonna keep asking, “will you marry me?”” – Louis Huang

“So what made you decide to have me?” – Evan Huang, to which Jessica answered, “white wine”.

“Is that from “Clueless”? Did you know that it is a playful reimagining of Jane Austen’s “Emma””? – Immigration officer, after hearing Louis says “as if?”

“Spanking is a strong word. It was a gentle tap over the pants.” – Jessica Huang

“Did you only agree to marry me, so you could get a green card?” – Louis Huang

“I fell in love with you the first moment we met. I thought our love story was one for the ages. Now, I am finding out I was only a marriage for convenience.” – Louis Huang

“I wanted to join earlier, but I didn’t know how to talk to make my wishes known to mom.” – Evan Huang on being an AAA member for since he was two years old.

“Wall of leverage.” – Grandma Huang

“You wrote my number on a restaurant canoe, so you wouldn’t forget it? You loved me at first sight!” – Louis Huang

“Baby, let’s go, fill up the Accord with cheap, cheap gas.” – Louis Huang

 

Episode 10 

“I don’t know what cologne I’m smelling, but it’s like a man taming a horse with a whip made of clothes.” – Louis Huang

“Are you wearing a lip balm?” – Emery Huang asks Louis, to which Louis replies, “I’m wearing a lot of stuff, son”.

“We’re here for dress pants, not pant dresses.” – Louis Huang to Eddie

“I thought you saved me for last, the prime position of thanks.” – Jessica Huang

“We just went from illicit to licit.” – Eddie Huang

“We’re gonna need more Blow Pops. Grandma inhaled the first box.” – Emery Huang

“I’m like the cognac of men.” – Marvin Ellis (Ray Wise)

“Oh. The neutral face of displeasure.” – Louis Huang

“Don’t you love how free your calves feel?” – Emery Huang, on wearing pants that look like dresses.