Jessica Huang (Constance Wu) is the real star of family comedy series Fresh Off the Boat. Most of the words that come out of her mouth are laced with venom that hit their target with A++ accuracy, and that makes Jessica Huang the most controversial and most quotable character in the series.

Here is a comprehensive list quotes from Fresh Off the Boat – Season 2 in proper order (I rewatched episodes 1-18 to write down the quotes, I already wrote the quotes I like for episodes 19-24 on my first watch. I watched with no subtitles, so some punctuations are iffy):

For related entries, please read Fresh Off the Boat – Season I, Fresh Off the Boat – Season II, Fresh Off The Boat – Season III A (In the words of the Huangs), Fresh Off The Boat – Season III B (In the words of the Huangs), and Fresh Off the Boat – Season IV (In the Words of the Huangs and Friends).

“Evan, clean your room.” – The Tooth Fairy’s (Jessica Huang) constructive criticism when Evan lost one of his baby teeth.

“No more Velcro, your last baby tooth. Congatulations, you’re in the big kid club now.” – Emery Huang (Forrest Wheeler) to Evan.

“They were the gangsters of the sales bin.” – Jessica Huang defends the black guys on the shirt she bought Eddie.

“Pain is weakness leaving the body, girls.” – Evan Huang (Ian Chen) as he powerwalks with Jessica’s Melrose Place buddies.

“They’re just like little purple tennis balls. Anyway, that’s how my mom sell me on plums.” – Dave Selby (Evan Hannemann)

“Oh, that puppet that becomes a real boy.” – Nichole (Luna Blaise) when Eddie mentioned piccolo.

“But you’re not even her real mother, you’re her stepmother. All you need to do is day drink and criticize her weight.” – Jessica Huang ‘s advice to Honey (Chelsey Crisp) on how to deal with the latter’s teenage stepdaughter.

“Children are never too old to be controlled. It’s just like chess, children are the pawns and you are the queen. And as the queen, you control all the other pieces on the board. Then the king just stands around and takes credit for your work.” – Jessica Huang

“Shop is closed.” – Jessica Huang when husband Louis (Randall Park) wanted to have another child (hopefully, a daughter)

“I don’t care! You’re taking piccolo. You’re going to ride that metal mouth tube all the way to moneytown.” – Jessica Huang arguing with Eddie Huang (Hudson Yang) over piccolo lessons.

“When Oscar Chao dumped me in college, I was devastated. I thought I would never feel happy again. I lost weight, my grades suffered, I cut my hair. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

“Why do I wanna watch money wilt?” – Jessica Huang when she received roses as wedding anniversary gift.

“Beautiful, but does it also come with a sign that says, “cut my throat and take this?””– Jessica Huang when her husband gifted her pearl necklace.

“I can’t speak Chinese, but I can tell from your tone that you’re doing okay.” Honey to Grandma Jenny Huang (Lucille Soong)

“The Surprise Dip, my father taught me this. He made it as a fighting move, but I repurposed it.” – Louis Huang, as he showed Eddie and his classmates how to slow dance with girls.

“Let me just push away these mosquitoes having sex and I’ll push my arm in.” – Jessica Huang as she reach for coins in a water fountain.

“Don’t compare us to white people, they are the cruelest race.” – Grandma Jenny Huang

“It’s a chance to forget that we’re a lower middle-class neighborhood living under the flight path of Orlando airport and trick people into thinking we’re a scary upper middle-class neighborhood that people would want to visit and get candy from. Ladies, if we build it, they will come. Oh, if we build it, they will definitely come.” Louis Huang campaigning for a Halloween-themed street.

“Pigs don’t date. Pigs feed a crowd at a reasonable price.” – Jessica Huang on Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog’s love story

“Mondays, right?” – Grandma Jenny Huang dressed in Garfield costume

“No, we’re not poets.” – Jessica Huang after Eddie asked her if he can stop wearing underwear.

“So, we’re just gonna let him be eleven forever?” – Evan Huang upon learning that Eddie will not have a celebration for his 12^th birthday.

“Individual Cornish hens: they’re the personal pizzas of the bird world.” – Louis Huang

“What does this mean for the table. We had them sharing a loveseat made of hay.” – Emery Huang to Evan upon learning the marital trouble of Aunt Connie and Steve.

“I may stay calm, but it’s a calm anger, which is a much scarier type of anger.” – Jessica Huang

“We look like a band of nurses.” – Jessica Huang upon seeing her, Honey and Grandma Huang’s photo inspired by Charlie’s Angels

“He’s a leech, Louis. Like a barnacle. Or a leech.” – Jessica Huang

“I can’t believe instead of a bakery, I accidentally bought two bookshops – now they’re in competition.” – Louis Huang on Jessica Town

“He has no higher degree. If you break it down, he’s either a toymaker or a glorified deliveryman. Either way, he’s labor, not management.” – Jessica Huang on Santa Claus.

“Garfield, I love how displeased you are by others.” – Grandma Jenny Huang to Garfield as he joined Jessica Town.

“Like an unhappy wife, she leaves but always returns.” – Grandma Jenny Huang about boomerangs.

“So, to calculate lift is coefficient times density times the velocity squared times tha area of the wing, divided by two.” – Santa Claus

“Look at this little Nivea, it’s more container than lotion, but I don’t even care.” – Louis Huang and travel size toiletries.

“Kinda like how you don’t want to shower after Garth Brooks signs your boobs?” – Honey

“I’m gonna buy a fedora and bring the golden of railway travel.” – Emery Huang on what to do with the money he would get from red envelopes

“Emery, Evan, just eat some toothpaste! No time to brush!” – Jessica Huang when she found out she woke up at 5am and their flight was at 2pm.

“That’s a Chinese F.” – Jessica and Louis Huang on their B- grade in a restaurant review site

“Tell the firemen I know how busy they are, and I’m sorry.” – one of Eddie’s classmates

“Like our aunt just found out about sewing machines.” – Eddie Huang on the “COOL” sewn on all four backpacks, his, his brothers’ and Grandma Huang’s.

“Damn fool, even by Chinese standards you’re a nerd!” – Eddie Huang to Evan the future Surgeon General.

“Flight attendants don’t even get seats on the plane. They walk back and forth pushing a cart. They’re the homeless of the sky.” – Jessica Huang

“If I get stuck in my shirt, you will help me remove myself from my shirt.” – Evan Huang’s Rule 2 in The Bunkmate Agreement.

“Everything’s sexy to this song.” – Honey

“She can’t be taller than me or younger than me or weigh less than me or look like she weighs less than me. … And you will display your wedding band close to your face at all times…. If she has smoky eye make-up, that is bad. If she has lazy eye, also good….and no Denzel movies.” – Jessica Huang’s rules for Louis’ women friends

“The Adventures of Baby Ducks Screaming” – Jessica Huang’s title for Duck Tales.

“They’re worse than goldfish, Louis. They’re catfish, the garbagemen of the lake!” – Jessica Huang

“I enjoy riding with him.” – Grandma Jenny Huang, “him” is a stuffed Garfield in the back window of the car. Awww, grandma.

“We didn’t come to this country so our son could get lice.” – Louis Huang

“They (lice) are the pedophiles of the insect world.” – Jessica Huang

“How come I don’t have lice? I mean, how don’t you want to be up on this?” – Emery Huang as he flips his awesome hair.

“It’s like a country girl who has sex too young.” – Jessica Huang on the combination of her and Louis’s names, Jessilou.

“If I were lice, I’d get in Tom Selleck’s moustache.” – Grandma Jenny Huang

“Unshackle the pen!” – Grandma Huang when she failed to get the pen in the bank

“Let him go! He’s afraid to cross the street by himself.” – Jessica Huang

“Why buy a sickly cow and fatten it up and then sell it for beans? No, you milk that cow every month for 300 years!” – Jessica Huang on renting out a house instead of flipping it

“So they can just stay in my house, not pay rent and I can’t do anything about it? These people are not my mother-in-law!” – Jessica Huang on squatters

“I’m supposed to be visionary. I’m supposed to be Oprah.” – Jessica Huang

“Stop playing invalid and get dressed!” – Jessica Huang

“Field trips are just paid vacations for teachers. I don’t pay taxes so they can walk around in museum telling our children that a painting of a soup can is beautiful.” – Jessica Huang

“What the hell? So many nipples!!!” – Louis Huang as he saw copies of Masters of the Universe, Bloodsport, Rambo First Blood Part II, Conan, and Kickboxer with the action stars shirtless.

“Colonial Americans were like the Chinese of today – their struggle, their work ethic, their ability to use every single part of the buffalo.” – Jessica Huang

“Super Mario – Italian Maintenance Twins” – Jessica Huang

“Boys, what are you? Waitresses at a small town diner? Stop chatting.” – Jessica Huang

“Your discipline is the only reward I need.” – Evan Huang

“Am I the green janitor or the red janitor?” – Jessica Huang played Super Mario

“I almost lost my balance from joy.” – Jessica Huang upon seeing that Eddie’s girlfriend, “Allison” was Chinese

“He said my name on the microphone. I’m famous.” – Evan Huang

“She’s like tofu. She absorbs flavor but got none of her own.” – Jessica Huang said of “Allison”

“Is there a Mrs. X?” – Jessica Huang after watching Malcolm X.

“It’s a Chinese polite fight; you’re never supposed to give in.“ – Eddie Huang

“Louis, stop mumbling. Say words or don’t say words.” – Jessica Huang

There you go, a very long list of quotes from Fresh Off the Boat’s Jessica Huang, Louis Huang, Eddie Huang, Emery Huang, Grandma Jenny Huang, and Honey.

To read the review of Fresh Off the Boat – Season I, please proceed here.

To read the review of Fresh Off the Boat – Season II, please proceed here.