Season 3 of Schitt’s Creek is the best season yet for this comedy show. The Roses, Johnny (Eugene Levy) and Moira (Catherine O’Hara) and their adult children, David (Daniel Levy) and Alexis (Annie Murphy), remain in Schitt’s Creek, hence hilarity continues as they adjust to their riches-to-rags existence. This season is all about the Roses, and the now adorable Ted Mullens (Dustin Milligan) and less exposure for Roland (Chris Ellliott) and the other residents. It means that it is 99.9% watchable because every member of the black-and-white and bespoke clothes wearing family is comedy gold. The exchanges between David and Alexis are every bit scandalous and reek of sibling rivalry, yet there is genuine warmth and affection underneath all the insults. Johnny and Moira are still very much out of their comfort zones as the new hotel co-owner and town council member, respectively, but their interactions with their progenies and their colleagues are side-splitting with a dash of humanity.

This season, David finally starts a project that represents him and Schitt’s Creek and finds love in the process. Meanwhile, Alexis is officially over Mutt Schitt (Tim Rozon) and finally cozies up with Ted, the veterinarian with washboard abs (I decided to shift my allegiance to Ted). Also, she ultimately graduates from high school.

At last, things are coming up roses for the Roses.

For more Schitt’s Creek related entry, please read 10 Things I Love About Schitt’s Creek, Schitt’s Creek – Season IV (In the Words of the Roses and Friends), Part I, and Schitt’s Creek – Season IV (In the Words of the Roses and Friends), Part II.

 

Here are some of the funny quotes from Schitt’s Creek – Season 3:

“You were bedazzling it (portfolio) last night.” – Moira Rose

“Excuse me? I haven’t bedazzled anything since I was 22.” – David Rose

“David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican.” – Moira

“If you take half as much care of our son as much as your physique, David should be in very good hands.” – Moira to the barely dressed Jake.

“What the fine fuck is going on?” – Stevie Budd (Emily Hamshire) to David upon learning that Jake is seeing both of them

“If we look too half-given up on ourselves, how can we assure our constituents that we haven’t given up on them as well.” – Moira on the clothes of her co-council members.

“Oh, I didn’t recognize him clothed.” – Moira upon seeing Jake with a plaid shirt on.

“Don’t worry, David. I’ve been in this situation like the most times, except I’m the girl getting into the truck.” – Alexis Rose

“Who picked through my cake and only left the icing?” – David

“So you can share a boyfriend, but you can’t share a piece of cake?” – Alexis

“We’re not a throuple.” – David referring to his situation with Stevie and Jake.

“Alexis, don’t be ridiculous. That’s exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.” – Moira

“I took one tiny break to watch two episodes of Scandal with Mrs. Creary while she waited for her dog.” – Alexis

“I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in an Avril Lavigne lyric here, and while I not so secretly love Avril and paid very close attention to her battle with Lyme disease, um, I don’t know why we’re…”

“A heavy salad might as well be a casserole.” – Moira

“That was a wine tasting tour, and I was seven years old.” – Alexis

“You could have used the spittoon. That’s what the other children did.”

“Did you enjoy the warm glow that mommy’s spotlight cast upon you?” – Moira to Alexis

“What is your favorite season?” – Alexis

“Awards!” – Moira

“You’ve both been with each other. You’ve both been with me. Let’s all be with us.” – Jake to Stevie and David

 

“Okay, in my defense, I did not know he was a substitute teacher, and basically nothing happened.” – Alexis

“Okay. Can lice jump? Because if I was sleeping on my bed, could lice jump from her bed to my bed?” – David

“I’m going to ignore that passive aggression and instead lean into the fact that we’re both working professionals now and momma Oprah would be very proud of us.” – David to Stevie

“How about a late night hang or a platonic sleepover?” – David to Stevie

“As much as I would love to contribute to the population growth of this town by way of teen pregnancies, I must decline (the honor of having a rose garden named after her).” – Moira

“Before you say no.” – Roland, to which Moira replies, “no” instantaneously.

“You’re the sweetest little vet I’ve ever met.” – Alexis to Ted Mullens

“Can you drink this?” – Stevie referring to body milk

“It says “body milk” on the label….What do we think body milk is, if not milk for your body?” – David to Stevie and Patrick (Noah Reid)

“None of it is true.” – Stevie, after Patrick tells her he has heard a lot about her.

“We have way too much work to do today for me to feel attacked by way of an imbalanced social dynamic.” – David to Stevie and Patrick

“What? Ewww! I assume you’ve shaved her head. And we have to put a wig on her. But not one of my wigs! These have to be boxed now!” – Moira

“Who the fuck is Lucy Albion?” – Moira after her theater was renamed after Lucy Albion, a volunteer usher who died last year.

“I just see two deshelled hard boiled eggs in a bag. Should I be scared?” – David to Stevie.

“I can’t believe I’m trapped under a blanket with you knowing you ate those eggs.” – Stevie to David

“The Moira’s Rose’s Garden” says Alexis, to which David replies, “So the garden is dedicated to a rose that Moira owns.”

“It’s by the letter, so he paid extra for those apostrophe S’s.” – Moira referring to the marker of the garden dedicated to her.

“So when we die, are we all going to be buried here?” – Alexis referring to Moira’s Rose’s Garden.

“You all look like cartoons.” – Roland Schitt referring to the Roses’ floor-to-ceiling family portrait

“We had your face painted on the body of my assistant.” – Johnny Rose to Alexis

“I can’t tell if this room is just very very small or if this portrait is very very big.” – Moira

“Well, I think it’s quite possible both are true.” – Johnny

“I look to like Gwyneth who soft launched the Goop newsletter, and now it’s a thriving lifestyle publication slash empire.” – David to which Patrick replies, “I do not know what you are talking about.”

“Omigod, Ted! I passed!! I got a 60 and a 65!” – Alexis

“Alexis, those are the class averages. You got a 63 and a 68!” – Ted

“Did it grow?” – David referring to the family portrait

“We’re inviting a select group of VIPs and offering a 25% friends and family discount.” – David

Friends are getting the same discount as family? That doesn’t sound right. What if your mother and I go in and buy something together? Does that mean we get a 50% discount?” – Johnny

“The smaller, the better.” – David

“Rarely has that been a recipe for success.” – Moira

“I do love discounts. I had to delete Groupon from my phone last week. Three vacuums is enough.” – Ted, awwww Ted just gets better and better.

 

This conversation between David and Patrick needs to be written in full.

Patrick: It looks like this soft launch is firming up a bit.

David: But it’s not supposed to be firm.

Patrick: Well, with this many people, it’s at least semi-firm.

David: Okay, well, as long as it doesn’t get hard.

 

“So, I was just verbally assaulted by a very off-brand customer in the line outside.” – David

“I can’t believe it. He’s managed to create something in this town that’s truly winsome. I would shop here, John, even without the nagging sense of obligation.” – Moira

“We aren’t those people anymore. We are, but we aren’t.” – Moira referring to the family portrait

“It’s a lot more expensive than I thought, too. I hate when stores don’t put price tags on things.” – Ted referring to a pencil shaped like a twig.

“There’s really something weird happening about mom’s eyes. It’s like they’re following me.” – David on Moira’s eyes on the family portrait.

“Oh, they are.” – Moira

“We’re all pitching in these days, dear, like communists or non-union actors.” – Moira

“It’s bad enough that I have to wear that unflattering black dress and the hat with that thing on it in front of people I don’t know.” – Alexis

“Yeah, I’m not going. I was at your first graduation, and it’s not my fault that you weren’t there.” – David

“Oh, wasn’t that thoughtful. I wish everyone remembered special days like that, but alas, that’s not what this world is anymore.” – David to the customer who buys an anniversary gift

“I plan on popping a pill, crying a bit, and falling asleep early. So just a regular weeknight.” – David

“Have you ever tried Café Tropical? I’ve heard people raving about how moderately edible the food is there.” – Patrick

“This person assisted with surgery. Is that something I should be doing?” – Alexis

“No! God, no!” – Ted

“Some other, like, gorgeous, like, slightly underqualified girl sitting at my desk asking herself the same question.” – Alexis

“I’m just realizing that wanting to come in and laugh at your animal puns isn’t enough when there’s, like, people here.” – Alexis

“When one of us shines, all of us shine. That is the meaning of ensemble.” – Moira

 

“Is the bad news that there is no good news? My aunt used to play this game with me a lot.” – Twyla Sands (Sarah Levy)

“I hope you know that you have and always will be one of my top priorities.” – Moira to Alexis

“If there is anything remotely sentimental in here, he is on a date with you right now.” – Stevie referring to Patrick’s birthday gift to David. The gift turns out to be the framed receipt of the first sale of their shop. Awww.

“This is the first gift I haven’t bought myself in a very long time.” – David

“Happy Day Alex & Davis” – David reading the words on the cake, a combination of “Happy Birthday, David” and “ Happy Graduation Day, Alexis”.